Starman and Pineapple Dance

Something I have seen over the festive season....

I have been watching a bit of ‘unusual time’ telly over the Christmas period, due to a restless dog and dodgy sleeping patterns from me.  Suffice to say, I have seen some good stuff and one totally bazaar programme that I want to share.

I know I might be in the minority here but I have seen – with my own eyes- this programme based around the Pineapple Dance Studios.  Forgive me if you have seen it and I wouldn’t normally watch stuff like this but, a lot like Jeremy Kyle, it drags you in!

This is a ‘mock-umentary’ at its best.  If I saw David Brent wander in for a ‘class’ I would not be surprised one bit.  The staff are split into two camp –and I use the word wisely.  There are the staff that keep the place going – real people who do what is needed to make a dance studio make money and there is another set who it seems their role is to live their lives in a film about how wonderful THEY ARE!  

Example one:  There is a failed dancer / teacher / ego who has put together a band for his own promotion – STARMAN.  Heard of them? No you won’t have!

The episode I saw had them showcasing their ‘talent’ in front of various agents who were looking for the ‘next big thing’.  They didn’t find it.

What did come out was that one of the agents liked the backing singer and thought that she should be the ‘frontman’ of the band.  She, one of the real people in this programme, was head and shoulders above the lead – but not in the ‘I - love- me’ stakes but in singing ability. The manager of the band (another from the David Brent stable) told the agent that ‘he would not change the band the lead singer IS the band’.  Sounds like a line from ‘Fame’.

The voiceover – more on that later – leads us to a ‘meeting ‘with the manager and the girl backing singer.  In it he tells the girl that she is not in the band anymore and wishes her luck.  Her face is awash with puzzlement and confusion.  The reason: only a couple of days before she had had a meeting with the manager telling him she was leaving the band as the agent had asked her to sign with him.  Talk about a set-up to save face!

Next, this thing called Louie Spence.  I have seen him on a few ‘panel shows’ and wondered why /what/ how and when he became a ‘celebrity’.   His part is best summed up by Paul Morley from the Guardian: “His role appears to involve mincing at high speed along the corridors in a state of considerable agitation acting like he's joining the dots between John Inman, Liza Minelli, Kermit the Frog, Tim Curry, H from Steps, Danny La Rue, Freddie Mercury and Alan Cumming. He responds to a puzzling world through a series of ridiculous gestures, nervous tics, gross mannerisms and suggestive body moves like a demented mime act – he'd rather pull a face and give us a twirl to make a comment on the world and his bizarre place in it than use words.” Couldn’t put it better.

He is so camp he gives camp a bad name but, and this is why I think this is a fabulous mock-umentry - he doesn’t do anything!  He makes panto dames look like members of the RSC.  He reminds me of someone who’s boat has sailed and he is desperately swimming after it.  Everything is a drama and if you look in the background of all of his scenes, you see ‘real people’ sniggering and being embarrassed by the whole charade.

Finally, why I think this is a wind up (but it isn’t) is the voiceover by Michael Burke.  His tone and seriousness gives the whole thing a surreal feel, very much like the very first episode of ‘The Office’.  Full marks to the production team for making this p***take while convincing the ‘players’ it was serious and worth taking part.

Watch it again – don’t think so

Hear about Starman again – don’t think so

Louie Spence – will travel the Z-list for a short time with Big Brother winners and X-factor ‘last 10’ bands.

Happy days